Self care right now looks like remembering to take my vitamins and writing lots and lots of rainbow coloured lists in the hopes of not forgetting a bill or an order or a household task. My phone pings to remind me to carve out time with each child. There isn't a lot more I can let go of, so these are my priority spinning plates right now. So far, apart from the council tax bouncing and subsequent week of being extra careful and working out how to make meals from the cupboards for seven days, I'm doing okay and my general anxiety is back under control.
That makes it sound like a wayward pet.
I'm not sure I'm with the depersonalisation trend in mental health. This is my mind. It frames everything that happens to me, consolidates it, sorts and categorises it. I don't like being depressed and anxious, I'm not clinging to this identity, I would rather be well. But it is an identity in a sense. It's me; I'm working with (and sometimes against) myself.
It's not a very popular view, that one. I've been told that I'm not depressed and just need to pull myself together, or that I should talk about my conditions in a certain way if I'm serious about getting well. Fuck that noise.
I want to be well. More than that, I am planning to be well. I know how to get myself there. I don't know how to keep it gone for good, but let's get back there first. Safe, stable. I'm not stupid, I know I need to be healthy again and my family need me. (End or mental health rant/Public Service Announcement, I really did intend not to do that again but oh well!)
I have jumped on the Habitica bandwagon, which has miraculously kept me actually remembering to eat and drink water regularly. I really love a good checklist!
That's where my head is at right now. Not the most coherent words ever, but authentic and written on a day where I feel both full of cold and yet oddly peaceful with the ups and downs. I hope it reassures those of you who've asked what my plan is and whether I'm coping with the random upsurge in down days.
I'm still here, still doing, still being.
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