Me according to Jenna (age almost 12)

Remember the interviews I did with the children a couple of years ago? (Eventually I might manage a link but my computer brain isn't up to much today *edited to add those are now at the bottom of the page!). I messaged it to Jenna again and she filled it in independently.

1. What is something Mummy always says to you?
I love you.

2. What makes Mummy happy?
The sea.

3. What makes Mummy sad?
Fighting.

4. How does Mummy make you laugh?
Bad puns.

5. What was Mummy like as a child?
Like me!

6. How old is Mummy?
31?

7. How tall is Mummy?
Erm?

8. What is Mummy's favourite thing to do?
Talk to her friends. Steal Torin.

9. What does Mummy do when you're not here?
Work or watch Star Trek.

10. If Mummy becomes famous what will it be for?
Singing.

11. What is Mummy really good at?
Singing.

12. What is Mummy not very good at?
I've been sitting here for ages and I have no idea.

13. What is Mummy's job?
Selling her dyed and knitted things.

14. What makes you proud of Mummy?
She's so strong. 💗

15. What is Mummy's favourite food?
Easter cake!

16. What do you and Mummy do together?
Watch science and stuff YouTube.

17. How are you and Mummy the same?
We both like lots of the same things.

18. If your Mummy was a cartoon character who would she be?
Nanny Plum

19. How are you and Mummy different?
She doesn't like How I Met Your Mother. 😮

20. How do you know Mummy loves you?
She needs to work on her poker face.

21. What does Mummy like best about Daddy?
Lots of things?

22. Where is Mummy's favourite place to go?
Anywhere with a beach.

(This is the face of a child whose mother just landed them in Grantham rather than home, by means of getting everyone on the wrong train.)

Previous interviews;
Jenna age 4 (Facebook notes)
Jenna age 7, Morgan age 5, Rowan age 3 (Carried Family blog)
Jenna age 8 (Facebook notes)

Week in Pictures when it's properly Summery

1. Lego, the best thing to hide inside with when it's too hot to function outside
2. Connor and Rowan at the nature pond
3. "I drawed on my bus!"
4. Ice cream, flowers, and paddling in grandma's garden
5. Bug house decorating
6. My two littles aren't so little
7. Mosaic making
8. Rowan being a bear (and I really can't get her to take that t-shirt off this week!)

Hiding under the blanket

We lost our sweet friend, P, a year ago today. Depression killed her, and at the time I had been well for months. Losing her felt like it would kill me, for a while. God, that sounds so self absorbed. She was a beautiful person, and I was hit by how much poorer the world was for her loss. My honest first reaction was to bargain, why her and not me? She was needed more!

I get to be weird and self-absorbed here, right?

Missing her feels like powerful waves, and today my life raft is just reading the sorrow and love of all the others she touched. If I'm swimming rather than drowning it's because I'm not alone.

A couple of weeks after she died, my marriage almost fell apart again. We'd been there before, the damaged trust and blame and words that can't be unspoken, and I was already hurting too much to stay and fight so I ran again, for a couple of days anyway. It helped. Somehow time passed and we worked things out. Not how I expected, but solidly and eventually happily.

Through it all I often thought of what P would say. Mostly she'd have laughed, probably, and said "fuck" a lot, and recommended eating all the chocolate, and sent me music when words didn't do it all justice.

A little later on I read a blog post with the words "no love is ever wasted" and I thought that would have been something she'd say, too. Maybe she'd say it to me now, wondering if she knew that we loved her - and love her now, and wish she was here.

I'm hiding under your blanket today, P. Maybe I'll stay here for a day or two.

Weekending: Everyone Exhibition opening and other things

This weekend's shenanigans were mainly museum-based. Derby Everyone opened at Derby Museum and Art Gallery. Rowan and Morgan, Jenna, and I all have pieces in the gallery. Several of our extended family and friends also have art on display. So of course we had to be there as soon as possible once the museum opened for the day.

You might get a picture of my piece another day, because *whispers* it was accidentally hung upside down, which the museum staff were so mortified about I felt guilty for telling them (so English, in fact so English I only let them know because my children couldn't stop laughing and teasing me about it). To be fair, it's abstract, and the staff had hundreds of submissions to contend with over a two day period!

Anyhow, if you're in Derby and want to find mine it's in the hallway now correctly oriented. *subsides into another fit of giggles about it*

After museum number one, we had lunch and watched a series of excellent street performances before heading to museum number two for the all-day board games at the Silk Mill. Rowan and Connor helped operate the giant laser. The Ratman failed to eat us all in a round of Betrayal at House on the Hill. I made sleeve progress on Talia's circle coat.

Sunday was mainly about finding the missing bedroom floors to regain the children's play spaces, and baking bread again. Guests arrived to camp in our living room on their way to HECY, and their smallest one did a little happy dance when she was reminded that they are taking Jenna with them. It's going to be an odd week!

Seven-ish Days of Excellent Things (that happened in between sibling squabbles and disasters)

1. Floor picnic
2. Simon Starling's work at Nottingham Contemporary with friends
3. Hello, Torin <3
4. Board games with friends (again)
5. In the brook
6. Tiny toys
7. Rabbits on the verge

Boating

Last year we were super-lucky to be offered a free holiday with our children's honourary grandparent (the father of Jenna's friend Jeremy). We spent a week on a canal boat, and surprisingly didn't get rained on much, and more surprisingly didn't feel too cooped up together, and it was lovely.

A few weeks ago, he bought his own boat. We've helped a bit getting it ready; Morgan re-blacked the fireplace almost completely independently (she's fascinated by all things boat and has been learning how the engine and steering works now she has got the hang of operating locks). Last weekend we got to take it out on the water with them on a little adventure. :)

Yarn Along - Polkadot and Dominion

This week I had to set aside Jenna's Hogwarts Express as the tiny cables are tricky and need my full concentration. I've switched to a Polkadot for Talia, who picked out the yarn herself. Big yarn, big needles, speedy progress. Just what I needed!

I've started reading Dominion by C.J.Sansom but it hasn't pulled me in just yet. I loved the Shardlake books though so I'm willing to give it a fair chance.

We can pretend June didn't happen, right?

Today has been the first day in a couple of weeks that I haven't feel generally overwhelmed. In fact, it has been one of those golden home educating days when everyone is happily engaged in doing interesting and impressive looking stuff all day, the siblings are all eager to help each other out, I get the satisfaction of hearing them chatter interestingly and knowledgeably, and generally feel like Not a Shit Parent.

In fact, they even made tea with minimal supervision; beetroot and mushroom pizza, broadbean risotto, and steamed artichokes with butter and balsamic vinegar. For saying there were actual tears about me having served the wrong kind of sausages a couple of days ago (they were in a parcel of food my brother kindly gave us), I was tempted to wonder aloud if these were really my children. Alas, the audience for my sarcasm is usually unimpressed at best.

I've spent years trying to compel wonderful days to keep happening, at first by working out ways to control their behaviour, and later by working on controlling mine, and now I've reached a place of relative peace (or perhaps capitulation). All of my best choices, and all of my best moments right now, are the ones in which I go with the flow and welcome the moment I'm in.

I'm not sure I'm a natural at this. Any of it. Ending days feeling bruised by life and not sure any more whether I'm a good parent if I'm feeling particularly honest. Yeah, it's been a tough couple of weeks.

Today I saw a glimpse of balance and joyful ordinary and it was good. I also barely remembered to take any pictures, but the evidence is largely in my newfound sense of peace anyway.