Four is a lot of children, though

Last year I had a few months of not feeling broody. It was the first time in my adult life I hadn't actively wanted a baby. It definitely made life easier.

The broodiness came back. Honestly, if I had more resources I think I could easily be one of those people who just keeps having another newborn every 2 years or so indefinitely. It's not that my hands aren't pretty damn full already, it's just that my rational brain points and laughs at how desperately my heart loves the idea of raising a house full of small people.

I wanted a fourth child intensely, could vividly see another person in this family of ours, and she is amazing. On the worst of days when I think I was probably never cut out for having kids I still don't regret having her. I was a pretty good mum of three. Sometimes I'm a pretty rubbish mum of four, albeit one who tries really hard and is making better choices all the freaking time.

Partly the broodiness is absolutely that I basically feel like a really competent, loving, awesome mum of babies. I can meet my own (stupidly high) expectations of what it means to be a perfect parent. Once they start getting bigger I question myself a lot more, and life is far less straightforwardly prioritised.

If that reasoning sounds incredibly selfish then, yeah. I don't know if there are non selfish reasons for having children really, given the state of the world. I'd like to think my children will maybe make the world a better place, but however I raise them I'm certain that's not entirely within my control (and probably shouldn't be). Hey, ask me in twenty years time how I did.

My love for my kids will still be pushing me to the only answer I can imagine giving: they were worth it. Love was worth it.

I wish I had five. I'm glad I don't.